All aspects of motherhood fascinated me and continue to do so. The biological and the emotional. The altruism and the projections. The selfless and the selfish. The oozing love and the intense frustration. The freedom to choose what kind of mom one wants to be was something I was curious about many, many years before I was one. Mothers are revered in history, in art, in music, in protests. We are universally epitomized as strong, weepy, sacrificial, imperfect yet perfect, and progressive.
Yet, I am confounded by ways society has found ways to
control motherhood and the choices she makes. Whether she should be wed before
she is a mom, whether she should choose her son over her daughter, whether she
should pursue her career with the same fervor she did before she had a child
and so on. But none nonplus me more than the rules society has established on a
mother’s choice of how, where, when, if, and how long she chooses to breastfeed
her child. Feeding her infant is one of the most primordial of acts of motherhood.
Sustaining and nurturing the one she birthed using her own body is as close one
can come to pure, unadulterated love. Then why is it that we have so many
constructs around making it difficult for her to do so? To offer that pure,
unadulterated love through feeding her the way she chooses to?
Before i jump in to my experience as a full-term breastfeeding mother, i do want to take a moment to acknowledge that there are many women who cannot become biological mothers. There are mothers physically unable to breastfeed. My heart goes out to you. There are wonderful mothers who chose a different path than mine for a variety of reasons. I fully respect your decision and will never judge you. This story is about my journey/our family's journey and my nudge to new mothers/expectant mothers to not shy away from breastfeeding for societal reasons.
While pregnant, along with planning what kind of school I would want to send my children to, what their names would be, I also decided on
a few other things.
1)
I would co-sleep with my children until they
were ready to separate from our family bed.
2)
I would breast feed my children as long as my
child and I want to, and as long as my body supports it
3)
I would not use any coverings while
breastfeeding if I was comfortable with it.
4)
I would self-advocate with my employer to allow
me to take time off, bring my kids to work, and nurse/pump at work as I need
to.
5)
I would support other moms in their own journey
of breastfeeding their child. I would be a lactivist.
6)
I would help create spaces for frank
conversations around our devolving culture of extended or full-term
breastfeeding.
Of course, my husband was part of
these discussions. Some were harder than others. Co-sleeping was one where we
had differing opinions. Like everything else, it takes listening, discussing,
deliberating, and then deciding. He was extremely supportive of my choice to
breastfeed on demand and for seven years. I nursed Manali until she self-weaned
at 2 years and I nursed Manav until he was 5 years, one month and one day. Yes,
he needed some cajoling to let go😊. We even had a weaning party for him😊.
And yes, Todd made a cake that looked like my breasts and we all laughed and
cried as we as a family bid farewell to a fond rite of passage. We celebrated
my body and the healthy bodies of Manali and Manav that we had created and sustained
as long as they wanted it. Todd and I rejoiced being partners who gave every
drop that I could to build their strong immune foundations and now we would
enjoy being partners once again with my physical body being wholly mine again.
I enjoyed every moment of nursing.
The act of suckling created a time for my body to rest, it calmed me down like
nothing else. I am a high-energy, active individual with an almost
indefatigable level of reserves. But breastfeeding my children was one activity
for which I was ready to sit down for 15-20 minutes at a stretch. I guess you
could say it kept me abreast with my thoughts😊 Milk mindfulness- a mother’s meditation, I
guess.
I nursed on demand. I nursed in
our family bedroom, living room, kitchen, bathroom, bathtub, in the pool, on
the stairs, standing up, sitting down. Manav was even upside down sometimes,
while nursing. I nursed on every international plane ride- no, not in the
plane’s bathroom- proudly on my seat. to Seoul, I nursed Manali in Guatemala
atop a pyramid. I nursed them barefeet on the sands in Seychelles and was
always bare breast. In the local trains in Bombay. During team meetings at
work. Right before and after presenting at conferences. In front of my father,
father in law and strangers. I tandem nursed. I did not like (read: abhorred)
the ridiculous and suffocating breast coverings. I wanted to see my child’s
cherubic face stare at me with a look like no other while she pulls on my other
nipple for comfort and familiarity. Her wispy hair forming little kiss curls
along my sweaty breast. Her tiny feet adorned in jingly payals kicking
energetically to an unsung song she and I secretly share. The music of
breastfeeding is the closest to what I felt or saw as divine. My children called it Pa—short for Pal (milk
in my mother tongue, Malayalam). Funny family specific words evolved from that
usage. For example, a bra is now called Pal Chaddi in our home😊
Chaddi means underwear. Manav one time was on stage at the annual Kerala
festival, dressed as a boatman for a dance and yelled out Paaaaaaaa… from stage
dropping his oar, as soon as he saw me in the audience. He was 3! Fond Minimum
memories😊
I find a lot of new mothers go
into breastfeeding with a certain level of anxiety, which is normal. But don’t
let this anxiety get the better of what feels natural. I hear time again
mothers say, I love sleeping with my children. I wish I could do it every day.
We all sleep together when my husband is away. Well, find a way to make it
happen. Challenge the myths of child dependency because of co-sleeping. Yes, my
daughter slept with us she was 10. She decided one fine day that she was ready
to sleep by herself and she did. And she and we are fine. We all took our time,
not time that societal norms determined for us.
I hear mothers say “I want to
nurse for longer, but it is very difficult to wake up to feed the baby in
another room.” Perhaps cosleeping is a stopgap solution to consider in this
case? I hear moms saying, I am prepping the child to go to day care and my
return to work so we are starting the bottle.” Have you done all you can to self-advocate
to your employer? What role has your partner played in supporting you? Have you
talked to a lactation consultant or a post-partum doula? How many of us have
talked to our mothers or mother in laws to see what their experience taught them?
This last bit, I believe is really critical. Having my Mummy with me during the
course of my pregnancies, during the miscarriage I experienced between Manali
and Manav, having open conversations about her life experience- helped me shape
my own experiences that were to come. Mummy (along with Todd) stroking my
forehead lovingly, her holding my hand during each contraction, reassuring me when
the bleeding would not stop, or advising me to put drops of breast milk in
Manali’s eyes when she had an eye infection- shaped my experience as a new
mother. And then there were the baby bathing and coconut oil massage techniques,
home remedies for baby jaundice, burping techniques (my mother-in-law, Charlotte
was a whiz at this), and of course the songs and stories that I now relay to my
children- simply invaluable. Consider your mom’s (or another adult you revere
and is available) to talk to, to be around you- because if there are one or two
things that is continuous in our history has a humanity-its that we have
successfully procreated raised babies and nurtured them- we must not waste the wisdom that came
before us.
Find yourself a supportive
partner, read up on credible literature, create a supportive community, talk to
your mom, and do what your body wants for you and for your child.
Our two little ones are growing up
to be independent, self-soothing little individuals. They are confident in
themselves, are not shy to ask questions of us, of our bodies, and of cultural
norms. I hope they will continue to make decisions that make sense for their
own bodies someday. And not let some stupid cloth covering sheath the beauty of
what is natural.
Here are some photos that we captured to cherish our breastfeeding journeys. Yes, there is some nudity. You have been prewarned:) But if you have appreciated the sentiments behind this blogpost, perhaps you will not see this as nudity.
Bonding
Umatilla Museum- after presenting at a work conference
Our family bed
Seychelles
Train somewhere in Malaysia
Shailesh Tower home. Bombay. Watching Holi. 
Manali's first halloween. Ladybugs also need to eat. 
Manav's rendition. 
Weaning party cake by Todd. The date was January, 18, 2017. Manav was 5 years, one month and one day old
Los Angeles airport
Tikal
Guatemala
Peek a boob
Requesting
Threatening
Begging
Hawaii
Sand can be nourishing?
Minutes after he was born
